Taking a Break...

I have to tell you, I am utterly speechless. We are approaching the two week mark and Grandma is still hanging on. I have stopped trying to figure it out, because it's becoming obvious that I can't. Yesterday, Grandma's blood pressure had dropped quite a bit, her kidneys were no longer producing urine (yes, I can say that...we ALL pee, for pete's sake), and her feet were beginning to mottle (that's when the extremities and joints change color and become colder due to lack of blood circulation). Anywho...I thought..okay..THIS is it...and how poetic...yesterday was my Uncle Gerald's birthday. My Uncle Gerald passed away in 2002...he was the only child she was unable to say goodbye to. Yep, I had it all figured out...I tossed and turned all night - waiting for my cell phone to ring...and ....nothing.

Today, Cavy and I went up to see Grandma and to give my mom a break (my aunt flew home to Arizona on Sunday). I first took notice of her cath bag...hmm...urine?? What?! Then, the nurse told me that Grandma's mottling had eased and her extremities were warmer today. Her blood pressure was even better today...I am at a loss. When I expressed my confusion to the nurse, she assured me this was not uncommon...kind of a roller coaster effect. It's so frustrating and wearing, and I know it's much worse for Grandma. I don't know how much Grandma knows right now, but I think she's still pretty with it - mentally. She's been struggling to speak, and her eyes don't really open all the way, and she's just so terribly weak. Today I held Cavy up so he would be in her line of vision...and her eyes opened wider and when he bent down to hug her, she said so clearly, "Ahh...I love you." I was shocked because we've been having difficulty understanding her for days. What a blessing though...to know how glad she was to see him. However, I wonder how much strength it took for her to say that. 

Grandma has begun to receive morphine for agitation and because she hasn't been able to tell us if she's in pain. I don't know what to think anymore. For two weeks I've been driving daily to Ames and thinking "this is it," and here we are. It doesn't feel like two weeks though...it feels more like two months...or six months. It just feels like it's been a very long emotional haul. I am thankful for the time I've had with her and I will continue to hang in there.  Perhaps God is glad I've stopped plotting his next move.   The past two weeks have been so full of emotion - particularly sadness and grief.  These emotions have consumed me, and it can be so debilitating.  I hope it won't seem insensitive of me, but I've got to talk about something else.  I feel like I'm going to go mad if I don't (and I'm sure it would be okay with Grandma).

(Papa, Mom, Me, & Grandma after my confirmation)

So, to talk about some happier things (I needed to be sprinkled with some happiness)...I came home tonight to find two princesses playing in the yard. Shay and our neighbor were all dressed up and running around laughing.  How can you help but smile at the wonder of childhood innocence? They told me they were planning a wedding to two princes. Ha. It was cute. :)

Bubby and his friend, Grant, went down to the creek behind our house (far behind our house) and picked up litter for Bub's service project in honor of Earth Day.

I spent a little time walking around the house and noticing some changes that have sprouted just in the past two weeks. Our grass patches are growing (and need mowed), and some new pink tulips have sprouted on the side of the garage. They are simply beautiful.

Some other things to share...now "old" news, I suppose, but the hubby and I celebrated our 18 year anniversary as a couple (not our wedding anniversary). Yes, we celebrate the day he asked me to be his girl. I think everyone should celebrate days like that...we need more reasons to celebrate love. :) The hubby bought me roses and a funny card (score 1 for the hubby), and in return I had nothing for him (score 0 for me)...unless hugs and kisses count. :)

My knee continues to do better...it still hurts on a daily basis, but I'm down to one PT session a week. Last week I was bending to 124 degrees (booyah!) and I'm doing 10 minutes on the elliptical. I am very proud of myself! :) Looking back to even a month ago, I have made great strides. I'm now working on coming down the stairs - one foot after the other. I'll get there. :)

(Sorry for the furry limb.  Ha)

Well, that's it for now. I have homework to do, and I have finals to study for...I can't believe next week is finals week - already! It has been a different kind of semester. Thank you for checking in with us, and thank you for your continued positive thoughts and prayers - especially for Grandma.

Blessings,

~S

Life's Lessons

Almost everything in life (and death) has a lesson attached to it. The lesson may be different for different people in different situations...but as I sit here in the dark, in my Grandma's room, I'm thinking long and hard about what I'm supposed to learn from this.

Grandma has been ready to "go" from the day she entered the hospice house (Apr. 15th). She has gotten weaker day by day...and just when I think "this is it," her body sustains. She has been restless this evening...she is dehydrated due to renal failure, her tongue is so swollen - it's difficult to understand what she is saying...she is talking to "someone" or "no one" off and on - I'm sure this must be due to a decrease in oxygen to the brain and to organ failure (although I'm no MD).

It's just frustrating...I had always hoped when this dreaded time arrived for her...it would be swift and painless. The reality of this situation is that it is dragging out beyond belief. Tonight, Grandma wanted to know what she had done wrong...why was God not coming for her...why doesn't he love her... How do you respond to that?? My aunt simply told her that God was preparing her place in Heaven and that he'd be coming for her soon.

Soon...the nurses have told us the time is soon. Without sounding unfeeling...I pray that what the nurses are saying is true. I love my dear grandma with all my heart, but this just feels unfair. Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning...sustained faith and patience... I'm not sure.

I am sure of at least two things: my love for Gram, and my belief in the God. I will miss her terribly, but I pray he will come for her soon.

John 14, 1-6 ESV

I Am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going." Thomas said to him, "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

In prayer,

~S

Saying Goodbye...

It's been a long few days.  I've been spending most of my time at the hospice house with my grandma.  I suppose there is no real reason to be there, I'm not really doing anything but offering support - but it's where I feel I need to be.  Grandma is declining every day.  To be quite honest, I didn't think she would be in hospice this long.  The day we transferred her, she looked terrible, and I thought she wouldn't make it through the weekend.  Tomorrow will be a day shy of a week that she's been there.  I know she's ready to go, because she keeps telling us.  In fact, I think she's getting irritated that it's taking so long.  Her mind and her spirit are ready, but she's having to wait on her body to catch up.  I'm not sure how much longer she will live, but I'm hoping for her sake, it's not long.  It will break my heart when she goes (my heart is already breaking), but at least I have peace knowing this is what she wanted and that she did died on her own terms.  I feel so blessed and thankful we have been able to say "I love you" many times.  She told me what a blessing I have been to her (I couldn't help but cry), and I was able to say the same to her, and to thank her for being so good to me (and to my family) all of these years. 

Grandma & I at her 90th birthday party - almost 3 years ago.

Over the weekend, I sat in a chair by her bed, holding her hand, and out of nowhere she says to me, "I remember the first time you bought Brett a shirt."  When Brett and I started dating, he didn't have much, and I did buy him some clothes.  I showed him the same generosity that had been taught to me by my Grandma.  Then she said, "He (Brett) said, 'You don't need to be buying me clothes.'"  I just replied, "Yeah."  Then she was quiet for a moment, closed her eyes again, and then said "I'm so glad you have him."  To which I replied with a now choking-back-the-tears voice, "I'm glad too, Grandma."  Then she was quiet and closed her eyes again, and then she said, "You sure have some cute kids."  All I could say was, "I have been so blessed."  And that, she agreed with.  Then she told me she loved me, as she has many, many times over the past few days. 

I have to take a deep breath, because this whole last week has been a little surreal.  Grandma has always been a strong and independent woman, and we all believed she would bounce back from this last bought of poor health - just like she always does...but she didn't.  Anyway...I could talk all night about the last week...and I could talk forever about my Grandma.  It is a difficult time right now - saying goodbye to someone you love is never easy. 

Even when you're having a difficult time, life keeps on moving right along.  Somehow, it seems things should slow down and wait for you to jump back on - like a merry-go-round when you're a kid.  But, it doesn't...it just keeps spinning round.  The day we put Grandma in hospice care, Jaron also had a vocal concert.  Even though I didn't want to leave Grandma, I knew she'd be so upset with me if she knew I missed Jaron's concert.  So, I went with my messy hair and sloppy outfit, and my red, cried out eyes...I bet I was quite the sight.  Ha.  I can't even imagine. I'm glad I went, Jaron did a really nice job.  And when I saw his smile up on those risers, I knew I was where I was supposed to be. 

Jaron looking handsome before his concert.  Hear one of his songs here.

We also went to my Great-Nephew's 1st birthday party for awhile over the weekend.  Wow, that year went fast.  Kaevon is walking (and sometimes running) everywhere...he is simply adorable.  The kids also had fun running around in the beautiful weather...it was a much needed break from the reality of the hospice house.

The birthday boy.

Kaevon with his momma and with his cake.

The kiddos loved the tire swing!

Brayton enjoyed playing some football with his cousin, Alex.

My dear hubby has been holding down the fort (again), so I am able to spend as much time as I'd like with my grandma.  I am so thankful (and lucky) that he is so wonderful.  He's also been bringing the kids to see Grandma.  They've been able to give kisses and hugs to Grandma and say "I love you(s)."  I'm not sure if they really understand what's happening, but I have a feeling they do.  Kids are pretty smart.  I have been amazed at some of the things the older boys have said to her (without parental prompting), like "I'm praying for you," or "Heaven is watching over you," and also "Jesus is watching over you."  They are mostly worried that Grandma is not in any pain - to which I assure them, she says - she is not. 

The kiddos with Grandma on her birthday last May.

The next few days or perhaps week may bring the loss of the woman who raised me from the time I was 10 years old.  I will do my best to be strong for my mother (who already is a wreck), because that's what my grandma would want me to do.  And, I will do my best to go forward and keep living, because that's also what she would've wanted...and even after she is no longer on this earth...I still want to make her proud...

Thank you for your prayers,
~S

Prayers & Love

For Grandma...

Home Sweet Home

It's been a few days since I've posted, and we've been busy as usual. We had a productive weekend, with the exception of my coming down with a stomach bug late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. I'm finally feeling like myself today, which is a good thing. :)

Little man picked me some "flowers" at preschool yesterday to make me feel better.  :)

We did a little home shopping Saturday morning. We found a new door for the house and purchased some new shutters too. We had purchased some cranberry shutters, but decided to take a cue from the roof color (I still don't know what the previous owners were thinking), and go with a dark green. We also picked out some new chairs for the front stoop - something we've been meaning to do since we moved in.

Making sure the door and shutter combo will work...it was a go!

Papa came and took the kiddos out for breakfast - he is so awesome to them. When they got home he put his gardening skills to use in our yard - thanks, Papa! Miss Shay offered a helping hand.

We have tulips blooming in the yard...and hopefully we'll soon have some new grass growing as well!

On Sunday, while I was sacked out on the sofa with my trusty bowl, the hubby was hard at work outside. He replaced the fire-engine red shutters (like I said, I don't know what they were thinking), and ripped out our thorny bushes by our front sidewalk. It already looks so much better! :)

Off with the old...

Goodbye pokey bushes!  Look at those boys hard at work!

The end result of a busy weekend....

I can't wait to see what it will look like with the new door installed! :)

The new chairs are a hit!

It's a good thing my hubby is a rockstar! Muah, Mr. Jones!!

We may need some balloons pumped up to celebrate...with an air pump, of course!  ;)

Hope your weekend was productive and not too hard on the tummy.  :)

~S

As A Matter Of Height...

This is a picture of Mr. B and myself, measuring up.  As you can see, it won't be long before he's eye to eye with me, and then...well...I'll be left on ground level as he shoots up.  My little boy isn't so little anymore!  Sigh! 

That would not be a smirk of defeat (or de-feet) on my face, but rather one that says, "YES!  I'm still taller than you!!".  Ha!

Looks like it's going to be a beautiful weekend here, I hope you have a beautiful weekend as well!

~S

Holy Flexibility!

I saw this video online yesterday.  I was, of course, completely enamoured because I LOVE 1940's music.  There's nothing better than throwing on an apron in the kitchen and turning on The Andrews Sisters, or "Old Blues Eyes."  So, this music was right up my alley...however, it was what I watched after the singing that amazed me!  Holy Stretch Armstrong!!!  I thought I was a flexible gal...until I watched this.  Check it out! Make sure you scroll to the bottom and pause the music first! ;)
The Ross Sisters - Circa 1944


Happy stretching! ;)
~S